Transcripts of the Penguins’ GM Interviews

Photo Credit: Rant Sports

Photo Credit: Rant Sports

By: Casey Johnston (@PensNationCasey)

The GM search is finally over for the Penguins.  In the interest of transparency the team has release transcripts of some of their interviews.  Seeing how they arrived at Jim Rutherford may surprise some of you.

David Morehouse:  Alright, I think we’re all here.  Let’s get to this.  I think the first guy is Pierre.  [shouting] Pierre!

Burkle:  Woah, the rumors are true?

Morehouse:  [laughs] Gotcha, big guy.  No, not that Pierre.

Pierre Gauthier, Director of Player Personnel for the Chicago Blackhawks, walks through the door and takes a seat in front of David Morehouse, Mario Lemieux, and Ron Burkle.  The mood in the room is light as everyone exchanges pleasantries before getting down to business.

Morehouse:  Okay, Pierre, tell us why you think you’d be right for this job.

Gauthier:  Well for starters, my real name is Pierre, so there’s no confusion there.

Burkle:  I see, I like you already.

Gauthier:  Yeah, plus I was the GM for Montreal, and you know how those fans are, so much more demanding.

Morehouse: Umm, Pierre, we have some pretty demanding fans here in Pittsburgh and they’ll stick with this team through thick and thin.

Gauthier: [laughs] That’s a good one, David.

Lemieux:  I only have one question, what are you going to do about this team’s grit and character?

Gauthier:  Not enough teams draft from the Canadian Penal League.  What’s Billy Tibbetts doing these days?

Morehouse:  Tibbetts?!?

Gauthier:  Yeah, if he can’t play maybe he can coach…

Burkle:  Mario, isn’t that the guy that hit you in the face with a cheeseburger?

Mario Lemieux stares at the wall, his face reddening as a vein begins popping out on the side of his neck.

Gautheir:  Oh, that’s just an internet rumor that…

Lemieux:  EXCUSE ME!

Mario Lemieux grabs his hockey stick and storm out of the room.

Gauthier: Where’s he going?

Burkle:  Oh, don’t mind him.  When he’s angry he just goes down to the ice and scores five goals on Jon Casey.

Gauthier:  Really, Jon Casey?

Morehouse:  Yeah, we keep him on staff just for moments like this.

Gauthier:  I’ve always wondered why I haven’t heard of him in the past twenty years.

Morehouse:  Well, I think we’re done here.  Thanks for your time, Other Pierre.

Gauthier:  Do you have to call me that?

As Gauthier leaves Mario Lemieux comes back into the office.  He is visibly calmer than when he left.

Burkle:  Are we all good?

Lemieux:  That took a strange turn.

Morehouse:  It’s almost like we didn’t know anything about Pierre Gauthier before this interview started.

Burkle:  Who’s next?

Morehouse:  Oh…

Jason Botterill walks through the door with three coffees.

Botterill:  Hey guys, what’s going on in here?

Lemieux:  Oh, nothing just…

Burkle:  Just sittin’ around…

Morehouse:  Hanging out…

Botterill:  Awesome.  So, loving the job so far.

Morehouse:  Great!

Burkle:  [whispering to Lemieux] You didn’t tell him?

Lemieux:  Was I supposed to?

Botterill:  Hey guys, some of these Twitter rumors…

Morehouse:  [shouting] Don’t believe everything you read on Twitter.

Botterill:  Well, guys, I’m off to do GM-y things.  See ya!

Jason Botterill walks out as the next candidate comes in.  Burkle and Lemieux gasp audibly in shock.

Pierre McGuire:  Hey!

Burkle:  I thought…

Morehouse:  Gotcha again, big guy!

Lemieux:  Are you even qualified to be a GM?

McGuire:  Yeah, don’t you remember ’92?

Lemieux:  Yeah, the Pens won a Cup and I won a scoring title and the Conn Smythe and…

McGuire:  I know, I was there too!

Lemieux:  You were?

McGuire:  Yeah, don’t you remember?  Me and Scotty Bowman…

Lemieux:  Who?

McGuire:  Come on, Mario, Scotty Bowman.  One of the all-time greatest coaches ever.  He coached the ’92 Pens to a Cup Win.

Lemieux:  No, I would remember that.  Ronny Francis ran the practices and Trots coached the penalty kill and I coached the power play and Jiri Hrdinia told us all what Jags was mumbling about.

McGuire:  No, Mario of Montreal, Quebec.  Played for Montreal-Concordia of the QAAA before moving onto Laval Voisins of the QMJHL…

Burkle:  We’re getting off track here.

Morehouse:  I agree.  Pierre, why do you think you’d make a good GM.

McGuire:  Well, David Morehouse of Beechview who worked as a boilermaker before a head injury forced you to enroll in community college where you earned an associate degree before attending Duquesne University.

Morehouse:  [whispering to Burkle and Lemieux] This part usually takes a few minutes.

Burkle:  I’m not sold on this.

Lemieux:  Our fans would riot.

Burkle:  Our sellout streak would end.

Lemieux:  They would topple that statue of the two Islanders.

Burkle:  We need to re-assess this.

Morehouse:  Hold on, let’s check in on Pierre.

McGuire:  After the Gore campaign you then went back to Harvard where you served as the Deputy Director…

Morehouse:  We’ve got a few minutes.  He hasn’t even gotten to the Kerry campaign.

Burkle:  What do we do?

Morehouse:  There’s only one thing we can do.

Lemieux:  Stick with Botterill?

Morehouse:  No.  Gentlemen, I should be the new General Manger of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

Burkle:  I don’t think our fans will go for that either.

Morehouse:  Nonsense, they’ve heard nothing but Pierre rumors for a week.  They’ll be relieved.

Burkle:  Mario?

Lemieux:  I haven’t had a wine since breakfast, so let’s just get this done.

Burkle:  So we’re decided?

Morehouse:  Wait.

As Morehouse halts the conversation an older gentleman dressed as a janitor walks into the room.

Older Gentleman:  Just takin’ out the trash.

Lemieux:  Wait, aren’t you…

Older Gentleman:  Jim Rutherford?  No, but I get that all the time.

Lemieux:  You are!  Jimmy!

Morehouse:  Guys let’s stay on point…

Rutherford:  You got me.  Ever since Carolina relieved me of my duties I’ve been hanging out here hoping someone would notice me and give me a job.

Burkle:  Wait, aren’t you part-owner of Carolina?

Rutherford:  [laughs] Yeah, that pays all the bills.

Lemieux:  Wanna be GM?

Morehouse:  Guys, I think we already decided…

Rutherford:  Sure!

Burkle and Lemieux:  [in unison] Great!

Lemieux:  Time to hit the links.

Burkle:  Davey, end this.

Morehouse:  Pierre?

McGuire:  And then after John Kerry lost the election you came back home to Pittsburgh where…

Morehouse:  [kicking Pierre in the leg] Pierre!  I think that concludes our interview.

McGuire:  How’d I do?

Morehouse:  We’ll get back to you.

McGuire:  Back to you, Doc.

Lemieux:  Umm Pierre, Doc isn’t here.

McGuire:  Edzo…

Pierre McGuire continues to ramble off random facts about his third grade classmates as everyone else leaves the room.  Mario Lemieux goes to schedule a press conference as David Morehouse walks back to his office laughing menacingly at nobody in particular.  Jim Rutherford continues to pick up the trash.