By: Meesh Shanmugam (@HockeyMeesh)
This was inspired by Robert Bortuzzo, or more specifically, my inability to find any articles I wanted when I was trying to write about Bortuzzo. Also, a head nod to not enough sleep and too much coffee last Thursday morning.
So anyways, I lost my mind last week and started thinking about how Bortuzzo reminded me of Ron Weasley. He’s young, talented, but completely lost in the shuffle behind veterans and with a more-talented person behind him (before the Bruins game). Because of that, I started thinking about how the rest of the defense would line up in the Weasley family.
It began with Kris Letang as Ginny Weasley. Nice hair, supposedly pretty, very talented, but a bit overrated. Kris Letang frequently keeps the Penguins stars from doing their best by turning the puck over as a distraction just as Ginny Weasley was a distraction to Harry Potter. There is no question Letang is an extremely talented defenseman, and Ginny is quite skilled as well.
Then Anne (@ab_ind) added to the comparison. Remember how Ginny released the Basilisk? Isn’t that something you could see Kris Letang doing?
— Elf Meesh (@ArctcPuffnMeesh) December 5, 2013
“Dear diary, everyone in Pittsburgh hates me because I give the puck away and make too much money.” “That’s okay Kristopher, come to my chamber and we’ll work through it.” Next thing you know, Letang has released a Basilisk and Fleury is petrified, but luckily not dead since he only saw the Basilisk through pale Olli Maatta, who was covering up for Letang’s blunder.
Now that the two most prominent Weasley children are taken care of, let’s move on to Bill. Bill is the eldest of the group and is a curse breaker. Meet Rob Scuderi. Scuderi is also the eldest of the group, and is trying to break a curse that he actually created – THE PENGUINS HAVEN’T WON A CUP SINCE SCUDERI LEFT, OMG!!!
Next up is Charlie, who studies dragons in Romania. This was a difficult choice between Martin and Orpik. Martin’s calm demeanor and poise? Orpik’s fierce stare? In the end, it has to be Paul Martin because fans torched him for a full year and he tamed them in the end. You’re all mean dragons, but Martin was up to the task.
On to Percy. Everyone hates Percy and he seems pretty useless. Oh this is easy – Deryk Engelland. Percy does come around in the end for a heart-warming reunion with the Weasleys, and it appears Engelland is trying to do the same thing right now as he plays his heart out when the team needs it most. Really though, you hated Percy for several years and you have hated Engelland for several years as well.
That leaves Orpik, Despres, Niskanen, and Maatta competing for Fred and George.
Simon Despres obviously has to be one of them, we’ll say Fred. You would think he grew his mustache from Dumbledore’s age line around the Triwizard Cup. He always has a devious grin on his face and clearly hasn’t played to the best of his abilities at all times, much like Fred would rather screw around than do work. (I’ll leave out any comparisons in their futures :-/). With ideas for Orpik and Maatta already, let’s make Matt Niskanen be George. No real good explanation here that I can think of.
Leaving the Weasley children, let’s go with Olli Maatta as Harry Potter. He came on to the scene as a young phenom and handled everything in stride. He has to deal with Ginny (Letang) far too much. He’s the kid everyone wants to talk about with tons of potential.
For the sake of inclusion, Brooks Orpik gets to be Arthur Weasley. I imagine they have similar attitudes (What is the purpose of a rubber duck? vs. What is the purpose of fighting?). Mr. Weasley was once part of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office and I’m guessing Orpik would like to join the Misuse of The NHL Players Code office. Brooks Orpik might as well be a father figure to the rest of the group at this point anyways.
So what if we go beyond defensemen?
Ray Shero is obviously Albus Dumbledore. Wise beyond anything we have ever seen, he knows what is going to happen in advance and plans well in general, even if it doesn’t always work out. Occasionally he gets ahead of himself and grabs a cursed object (Hossa, Iginla). He has a past that no one really talks about (Nashville). It’s also likely that every other GM is afraid of him by now.
Dan Bylsma would be Severus Snape. He does a lot of great things that no one realizes, appreciates, or cares to point out. He usually has a plan, but people only look for his shortcomings. He has the complete trust of everyone who knows him, but no trust from anyone else. People always want to give credit to others for the work that he does. Much like Snape, he also comes off as arrogant at times when letting things play out. Dumbledore/Shero has the utmost trust in Snape/Bylsma to see things through until the very end.
Bylsma has to be Snape. “You suck, you suck, you suck, you suck, you suck, you suck, oh shit you did all of this for a reason.”
— Elf Meesh (@ArctcPuffnMeesh) December 5, 2013
Adding the forwards gets tricky, especially with the Weasley’s done. Here are some random ones.
Annie (@isaymeow) wisely pointed out that though Sidney Crosby is the Harry Potter hero type, he is more Hermione Granger than anyone. Meticulous studying, wanting to learn everything, wanting to be the best at everything, and a little sassy – yep, that’s Sidney Crosby. He’s the brightest of the group and by far the hardest worker.
How about Evgeni Malkin as Neville Longbottom? Confidence issues at times but extremely talented when he puts it all together. Kinda goofy but grows out of that phase well. Plays the ultimate hero in the end (Neville cutting off Nagini’s head = Conn Smythe winner). Comes from a tortured past (Neville’s parents being tortured kinda like Malkin’s parents worrying about getting their son out of Russia).
Forgetting the defensemen comparisons to the Weasleys earlier, you could really have a field day with some of these.
- Kris Letang – Fleur Delacour. Pretty, but no composure under pressure (see: her failure in the 2nd task of the Triwizard Tournament).
- Letang could also be Gilderoy Lockhart. He dazzles everyone with his looks but turns out to be a complete fraud in the end.
- James Neal – Draco Malfoy. He’s talented and successful, but unnecessarily cruel and dirty. Neal would definitely be a Slytherin at least.
- Marc-Andre Fleury would definitely be one of the Weasley twins with how he toys with his teammates in practice and trash talks everyone.
- Chris Kunitz could be a good Harry Potter. Everyone is amazed by his success but people who hate him think he’s overrated and riding the coattails of others. Many don’t believe his story that he’s a good player.
- If we’re going with the first line, Kunitz could be Harry Potter, Crosby is Hermione Granger, and then Pascal Dupuis could be Ron Weasley. He’s not as talented as the others and no one really understands what he’s doing there necessarily, but he’s lovable and has a big family. James Neal thought Chris Kunitz should join his line, since he’ll learn that some hockey lines are better than others, but Kunitz decided he could figure it out for himself and stuck with Crosby and Dupuis. Also, it has frequently been suggested that Crosby keeps Dupuis on the first line, and Hermione would surely keep Ron as well.
- Deryk Engelland could also be seen as Hagrid. He’s big and supposedly useful, but he also makes a lot of mistakes. He always means well though and is a good person at least.
Obviously I have skipped one major character this whole time.
Who is Lord Voldemort?
I will leave that up to you guys! What other suggestions do you have?!
Jaromir “Dying Alive” Jagr has gotten a few votes as Voldemort. He disappeared for a few years, the Penguins can’t seem to ever completely get rid of him, people respect him for his talent but many hate him as a person. (Maybe Olli Maatta can defeat him on Friday?!)
@HockeyMeesh I wanna say Jagr is He Who Must Not Be Named. Incredible with the good guys, felt slighted so went evil. Trying to stay alive.
— Sterling Archer (@SynonymForWet) December 12, 2013
and who brought Lord Jagr along as an evil villain?
— Frosty Johnston (@CaseyR82) December 12, 2013
The other votes have gone to Tuukka Rask as the latest Penguins’ nemesis and also for looking similar to Voldemort.
B.J. (@bryleesdad) inspired another one, suggesting Tomas Vokoun as Cedric Diggory. I’m going with Vokoun as Dobby. He played for so many awful teams, was finally freed, saved everyone when they needed it most, and then this season…yeah… 🙁
Casey (@CaseyR82) suggested Matt Cooke as Sirius Black. Seemingly a villain for so long, especially to the public, Cooke turned out to be a good and loving person in the end. But now he’s gone.
Stevie (@Did_I_Sutter) added that Craig Adams would be a good Hermione Granger. The Harvard grad would make sense as the brains of the group.
Tony Granato would be a solid Professor McGonagall according to Tim (@tmango2). Granato is stern, a great teacher, and has no problem threatening the death eaters (the Flyers, naturally).
“Keeper of sticks and lockers at Consol”
Knowledgeable but rants like a crazy person…yup.
@HockeyMeesh if this were NHL-wide, Bryz would totally be Luna, because everyone thinks he’s crazy.
— Chrissi (@PuckUInTheGlass) December 12, 2013
I bet Luna thinks the universe is HUMONGOUS BIG too. I wonder if Bryz sees nargles.
@ArctcPuffnMeesh Fred and George –> Glass and Vitale. Not as skilled as everyone else, still well-liked.
— Kate Czekalski (@BlueLineQueen) December 5, 2013
@ArctcPuffnMeesh So does this all logically lead to Ovi as Krum?
— Anne (@ab_ind) December 5, 2013
Hm, really good and successful at one thing (goals/snitch) but can’t win a championship. Possibly obsessed with Hermione (Crosby?!)….yeah, this could work. Oh, and as Caps fan and friend Ryan (@RBoushell) suggested…both Krum and Ovi tend to throw their hits in the air.
@HockeyMeesh This is everything I could want in life. When Pens play Bruins I see Chara and yell “Troll in the dungeon!”
— Janine (@_j_9) December 12, 2013
@HockeyMeesh what about Luna? Letang cause he’s not the brightest bulb?
— SportsBurgh (@SportsBurgh) December 12, 2013
@HockeyMeesh love this. My two favorite things mashed into one. Oh, and Ovi, he’s clearly a dementor.
— Rachel (@herenowhere3) December 12, 2013
Ovi does suck the life out of all of us, doesn’t he?